There’s one type of woman I do not understand. The type of woman who doesn’t want to explore the variety, the communicative part and also depths of any kind of sexual experience. Who try to paint the whole thing black and white. Who aren’t curious to feel real indulgence, loss of mind and space and to reach other states of commitment. These women also seem to be cautious in expressing their inner desires to their partners. ‘I want him to undress me’ ‘blow-jobs are degrading’ ‘Anal is for gays’ – typical phrases. Please.
Being surrounded by a bunch of hyper-sexual female friends, there is this minority of girls with whom I wouldn’t even dare to talk about my sexuality. Who seem to be offended by my borderless sometimes boyish way of discussing under-the-sheets issues. When I get excited they suddenly want to change the subject. For them it was either good or bad sex. Our brief exchange will be followed by discomfort and awkward silence. In the worst case there will be additional odd giggling. Conversation over.
Throughout the years I have decided: Either someone is having the wildest sex of all time and just isn’t that into talking about it or that someone is satisfied with unadventurous, conventional and undramatic sex.
Or this particular person just isn’t into talking to me. (Worst case scenario. Let’s exclude this possibility.)
So is it important to be that open regarding sex? When I told my mother’s 70 year old friend that I would have to rethink the subject of sex for work she immediately asked, ‘Isn’t that something you should DO ? Why do you have to write about it?’ Was she right?
H. was a doctor, raised four children, loves to be naked and in the woods, is an authentic, loud and good-hearted person – and I adore her. She lives her life outrageously, however, clearly isn’t into talking about the dirty details. (Let’s include the I-might-not-be-the-appropriate-person eventuality.)
On the one hand it’s fun talking about sex. It’s enriching and opens up new spheres of discovery. It breaks barriers. It addresses the elephant in the room.
Be that as it may, we live in a world where sex seems too important, where it’s often misunderstood. It becomes over-thought, over-discussed, over-constructed. When there’s more sexting than actual sex. The mind kills the body. And the mind should not be present during sex.
So maybe the assumption of less-upfront women having better sex might be right. Less head, less talks, more body, more fun? The key might not be the chit-chat but sensibility to whom we address ourselves, when and how we do it and if it is necessary. Although it is a wonderful topic it will always be delicate, risky and evoke controversy. Let’s be curious, let’s be brave, let’s try things out. But let’s shut the fuck up when it comes to body language – in the end it’s the most honest form of communication we know.
by Brunella Seidl